onlyonezack

151: One hundred fifty one.  Sixty seconds is forever. Heartbeats are real, son.  Shadow: I just saw shadow. She had to point out your nose. Now I see your tiny face. Reality I believe you're there. I did before little one But now it's really real.  As an expectant father, it seemed surreal to me until today. Obviously, there are signs that tell me that this is reality, but before today, the ultrasounds were grainy and I'd equate the kicks to an unknown etiology. But today, when the sonographer rendered your face in to something recognizable and I saw the way your heart beat? That was real. 

For you, my son, I want: Love: I want you to know unconditional love. Pride: I want you to be proud of who you are. Understanding: I've never been great at understanding. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.  To know disappointment: but to learn and grow from it. To know how to utilize fear; let it be part of the toolbox. To know and love music. To be in touch with your emotions. To ask for help and open up when you need it. You'll always have a confidant in me.  To train yourself physically. I never realized the importance of body until I had done much damage. Treat your "vehicle" well and know that with hard work it is capable of great feats. Train yourself mentally. The human brain is also capable of great things and is of the utmost importance.  To know and understand your spiritual self. The trifecta of body, mind and spirit will make you the best you. To know true happiness.  To ask for help. With what you want. With what you need.  How

Today has been rough. My head feels like it is filled with static electricity. Every nerve feels tingly. This is panic. It invades every fiber of my being. I am struggling with purpose. This too shall pass. Everything is uncertain. With a child on the way, that is terrifying.  I will keep breathing and this will all be alright. 

If you know me, you know that the past year of my life has been immensely difficult. I won't bore you with the details of all of the kindling that started the fire, but it has been rough. When bad things happen to me, I can sometimes get stuck in negative thought patterns, and that can be my undoing. While I constantly remind myself of things like this:  " On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.” – Vinny Genovesi I still can get really stuck sometimes.  I had the opportunity to reconnect with my extended family on my mom's side this weekend. It is weird how in the presence of the people that you love and love you unconditionally, those stresses can melt away. And melt they did.  The next point requires some background. Back in March, we adopted a new cat Mallory after Ushi suddenly passed away. Mallory did pretty well

I have so much to say. Truly. But google translate is broken. I know the way out is through. But I dropped my compass a mile and a half back.  And its too late to get it now. I don't know where to start anymore.

"Wave goodbye Wish me well I've become something else Something else Something else Just as well" -Nine Inch Nails, Everything It has been some time since I could describe myself as content. For the past several years, I've been working for a law firm that focuses on creditor rights (a fancy word for collections).  About the time that I started working there, the financial market collapsed, and a number of major financial institutions were placed under heavy scrutiny by various federal regulators.  Regulation is usually a wax and wane matter, but there's a broad and significant agreement inside and outside of the industry that this change has a significant permanence about it. All the while that this was going on, the law firm I worked for has rolled with the punches, and while that certainly doesn't mean that we're not operating in an environment that looks significantly different than when I began there, it does mean that the affect of this c